Gotta Go

I was doing really well with losing weight...Then I got unhappy and started gaining it again. I need to get back on the diet train. I began again about a week ago, and have lost about 5 pounds so far. I really want to lose twelve more by Halloween. Well, honestly, hopefully more than that, but 12 would be great. After that my goals are:

Halloween: 187
Thanksgiving: 181
Christmas: 173
My Birthday: 170

I NEED to stick with it. I CANNOT eat just because I am sad or because I want something to make me feel good. I can be thin and sad just as well as I can be fat and sad. At least if I am thinner, people won't assume I am pathetic and sad. I feel HORRIBLE about myself and need to get this weight off. It is more than time, and if I don't then I have failed AFTER succeeding. I need and want to just SUCCEED. I am worth it. I deserve happiness.

I am completely head over heels for my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like he is exactly there, but often I feel as if he is just telling me what I want to hear. I sometimes feel more lonely than when I was single. I've tried to talk to him, but I just don't feel like I am getting anywhere. He has mentioned wanting to marry me a few times, and I have gotten my hopes up for a proposal at some point down the road, but then he will act as if I just drive him nuts and he cannot bear another second with me. I've never loved someone so much, but I crave more. I need to know that he feels this way about me always, so maybe I am just expecting too much. How do I calm myself enough to decide what to do in this relationship? I love him so much, I cannot even stand the thought of not having him in my life, but I am hurting. Sometimes I feel like I am just not good enough for him, and maybe that is the case. I just can't figure out where his head is. I am so tired of crying and second guessing myself. I love him. I love him. What do I do?